It hit me like an invisible slap in the face. After all it was true. All the rumors were true. I read it. Black on white. I was speechless. Disappointed. Furious. Angry at her. Angry at me. How could I be so native again? So stupid? Hadn’t I learned from my previous mistakes? I thought I did, but then, again, I fall into the trap.
Now I’m standing here, faced with a moral fork and asking myself which way I should chose. The correct one ore the simple one? The one with the least resistance or should I take the risk. And last but not least: is the simple way really simple and easy one really easy? Which way should I go? I don’t know..
Once upon a time I had this friend, I really thought it would last forever, we shared secrets and vices and I really thought this could be something with us. I hoped for a perfect friendship – only to be disappointed in the end. After a while we had less contact, she was busy, she said and she didn’t wanted to burden you with her problems. “Sure , I know that by myself ,” I said to myself , and had – as always – understanding. Because I’m so busy that I often neglect my friends and because I’m not innocent, too. I think it was a gradual process. With the first rumors came the first doubts, but hey, it’s just rumors, it can’t be true..? I took the direct way and asked her. She said that it were lies, absolute nonsense, she would never (NEVER!!!) do that to me. I believed her, because I wanted to. Because it were so mean things, that I couldn’t imagine, that this clever and tough girl, my friend, could do something like that. But there were still doubts..
Finally, the bomb exploded. It bursted so quietly, that you could hardly hear it, a silent bang, that had broken my trust. Now I saw it: black on white. Rumors were facts. It stood there, and actually it was there the whole time, but I couldn’t seen it. I read my words through, over and over again, was speechless. Disappointment, endless disappointment broke over me. How could I be so stupid? How could I be friends with a person, who says such things about others, playing off against each other and built her world on lies? But IP adresses don’t lie and also screenshots. And the deeper I dug, the more I found. I wanted to puke. To scream. I can still remember this moment, the injury, an inability to speak and then : the rage. Because I’ve made the wrong decisions again. Because I trusted the wrong person, and because, sometimes, I’m just so incredibly naive.
Why the hell did she do that? But do I really want to know the reason? Would I ever know the truth or would she lie to me in the face just again. I decided to let it go. Swallow my anger and to forget. To remove this person from my life.
But then I read more. It was not just me, but others. Other “friends”. Other people who may not know that they had fallen into the friendship trap. Others who are just as blind as I was to the actions and words of their friends. Only when I haven’t closed my eyes to the facts , only then I saw her as the woman who she really is. Why do we close our eyes to something like that? And why the fuck nobody warned me?
I stand at a fork and wonder what path I should take. Do I tell her friends about her? What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally. But what if Susie is right? What if Susie wants to warn them? Should I be involved? Will they understand it? Will they believe me when I show them the facts, black on white, or will they believe her, when she’ll tell them that it’s all lies and she is the victim. She plays the role very well. I do not know these people. But can I live with that, can I answer it, or should I let them fall into the trap and hope for the best? What should I do ..