‘it’s ok to look back. Just don’t stare.’
They say: better late than never. But that’s not always true.
Hearing your apology I feel… nothing.
Maybe something like slight uneasiness, the whole thing is almost embarrassing.
If only you would have apologized a few years ago, I would have drunk it up like a traveller in the desert stumbling upon an oasis. Now, I am barely interested anymore.
Sometimes it is too late after all..
It should have been a brief glance into the past, no more.
A friendly hello, not a debate on principles.
The past is over, it took me a long time to understand that, but I finally reached that point and managed to let go of the pain. To let things be. Even if my questions remained unanswered.
‘Everything turned out alright’ and ‘it’s ok to look back, if you’re not staring’. These were my thoughts.
I still stand by them.
Do you know which article is the all-time most popular blog on my post?
The one where I talked about how I handled my lovesickness (or, rather, how NOT to handle it). The post helped me to close this chapter. It would be the last text in a series dealing with my lovesickness, at that point I had finally overcome it. It took me two years, an eternity. But who knows if I would have ever even got to that point if I would not have got my self together and made the decision to put a full stop behind the whole story. The moment was as good as any.
For real, how can we expect to start a chapter in our life without finishing the previous one?
A full two years after the breakup, the pain was still present, and the wounds not entirely healed.
Today, four years later, there is still so much to say.
I moved on, and left as much of my pain and frustration behind as I could. I only took a tiny part with me, also to remember you and, yes, to help me to be happy again. It wasn’t all puppies and kittens, we tend to forget in hindsight. What pain I took with me would protect me from longing and even bigger pain.
I think real love sickness is never entirely cured. We all have our kryptonite, that one person that we well always care for. Whenever I think of that person, it pierces my heart, only for a moment.
And then, that’s that. What I feel is the last flash of pain, all that remains.
The hurt I felt in my heart has dissolved, and with it, almost completely, my former self, old Masha.
When rumours reach me these days, be it through acquaintances or just by accident, when I am somehow confronted with my past, I feel nostalgia – and indifference. It just doesn’t touch me anymore. I am no longer part of it. I have not been for a long time. I no longer inhabit that world, that microcosm. We’re separated not by kilometers, it’s entire worlds between us. And no common ground left.
All that connects us at this point are the memories we share. And they, too, are starting to fade in the light of new experiences.
And there we have it, the simple cure against lovesickness: live. Experience.
The only way to overcome lovesickness is to fill life with new memories that are strong and beautiful enough to cover the old ones. Ultimately, experience and memory are what shapes – and separates – us.
I think that’s what people mean when they talk of time and healing wounds. Time is relative. Faster for some, slower for others. It all depends on what you do with it.
The logic is simple: the more vivid, lively, experienced time there is between us, the more distant the pain I associate with you.
My memories of you were vivid, so vivid I didn’t think I would ever be able to cover them. But I moved into a new city, met new people, made new experiences, travelled the world, do so much, without you.
My advice for anyone suffering from severe lovesickness would be: if you have the possibility, move someplace far away.
Meet a new crowd, get a new job, reduce the common ground between you and your old life.
And then, travel the world.
Experiences grow from opportunities. Go and create them!
Be less fearful, don’t think too much about the risks, especially if you are only responsible for yourself.
You already lost something so dear to you, what can you lose at this point, emotionally?
Looking back, I send my old life a little smile. And it pierces my heart. The last remnant of pain from that time that I still carry in me.
But I am no longer the girl I was, far from it.
New experiences formed me into who I am today, stronger and more confident than ever before in my life, and, most importantly, at peace with myself.
Looking at my life in the here and now, I smile. And instead of piercing pain, my heart fills with pride.