It is over. I am officially no longer in a relationship. And it hurts. Very much. I have hinted at it at various points in the past couple of weeks and kind of showed that I am not in a great spot right now in my private life. So now you know the reason. For many this probably comes as very sudden and unexpected news, but for us it was a long process. In the end, it was probably the most difficult decision either of us ever had to make. The truth is: we were a great team. We were partners who saw eye to eye. We loved each other. Why should one end a relationship like that?
Create a life that feels good from the inside, not just one, that looks good from the outside.
For exactly that reason. We were lovers once, and we have become friends on a deep level. In our friendship we trusted a supported each other fully – but the amorous love slowly faded away. How could that have happened? With hindsight I can say that it was a gradual process. So gradual that I may not even have noticed it, if I would have remained distracted without a breather. But a little while ago I started listening to myself more. At first I did not want to accept the consequences of my thoughts. Then we talked. And then, very quickly, there was clarity between us.
When we met, we were entirely different people. But 5 years are a long time for development. Sometimes we take a route in the same direction on our journey, and at other times our paths start to diverge. Unfortunately, in our case, we moved farther and farther away from each other. We remained partners, and we saw eye to eye until the end, but the more time passed, the less we shared with each other. We drifted further and further apart, until we no longer found ourselves on common ground. Instead, we realized we were stuck in a relationship that did not make either one of us genuinely happy anymore.
Do you know that deep feeling when you somehow recognize deep down that you are on the wrong path, but you are too scared to turn around and walk into the dark woods of uncertainty? That is kind of how I felt in the past few months. So I kept walking straight ahead, knowing with growing certainty that I was marching on a dead-end road. And the longer I kept walking, the longer the way back would be.
So I stopped, at some point. At 28 years of age I asked myself: am I ready to accept a compromise in love, at the risk of never really being happy, but with the benefit of never really being unhappy either? Or would I risk everything once more, in the hope to find happiness without compromise? What am I ready to sacrifice? Also: is it fair towards my partner, knowing I would not be able and willing to give 100%? Doesn’t he deserve that? And so we made a decision. We had to end this thing, before it would get ugly.
I still don’t know whether it was a stupid decision. I don’t know if I will regret it. I don’t know where the path I am now on will lead me. All I know is that decision feels right – and that it hurts, all the same.
In the end it was a decision we made together. We were partners, and we saw eye to eye – until the end.
Photos: Theresa Kaindl