‚I need more.’ My voice comes out as barely a whisper. “I just need more of you.”
Midnight has just passed. I should sleep, but my thoughts keep me awake. I can’t sleep. And maybe you should not have asked if everything was alright. Because it is not. It is still not alright. And it’s no you. It’s me. Me and the rift inside of me.
Even years later, I suddenly feel it. This fear. Even years later, I suddenly feel it. This fear. Suddenly this terror of being left, out of the blue. I did not see it coming back then. Which is why I keep my guard up now. Always. At every point. It wears me down, it wears the both of us down. But, in fact, everything is ok. All things considered. At the heart of it, I am happy. You give me everything I need. And still, sometimes everything does not seem to be enough for me. What I need is security. A security that I will never feel, that is impossible. Not as long as I feel about you the way I do now. As long as you are important to me, I will live with this fear of being left, suddenly, inexplicably. This terror is a constant companion, a devil on my shoulder. Everyone of us has their own cross to bear. I have been carrying mine for as long as this blog exists. Maybe it is some kind of disorder. Maybe a trauma. Maybe I’m in my head too much. Maybe I get worried too much, or think too much. Maybe I’m standing too close to the edge, staring into the abyss, torturing myself.
It’s not like I don’t know that my fear is completely irrational. But then there are those moments, a wrong word, a wrong song. And this fear raises it’s head in me again, envelops me. I am falling.
To combat this fear, I did everything I could to be the best girlfriend on this whole damn planet. I did what I could to be my best me. It was not enough back then. Is it now? Can I be enough for you? I don’t know the answer to that question… I just know I don’t want to feel this uncertainty. Yet, you are the one I can hold onto. You catch me, give me strength. I hope, one day, that I will be able to just fall into your arms. Not into this dark hole. “I love you.” You take me into your arms. That’s all I need to hear. Everything is ok. My inner demons have gone silent. For now.
photos: Kyle Galvin