I check my watch.
No time. No time.
Again, no time.
Never enough time.
I function, I am active. I produce. I don’t think much about it, I just act.
Thinking takes up time.
And I don’t have time. Daily life keeps me busy.
When does one really have time, these days?
At the end of the day I fall into bed as if dead – I got so much done again, and still it’s not enough.
If only I had more time…
There just isn’t enough of it. Time gets ever scarcer, because we keep accelerating our lives so much.
There is less and less of time available.
So we move faster. And faster still.
A rush. Pressing appointments. Stress.
I have to.
I have to.
I have to keep moving.
We flagellate ourselves with more and more rules, draw our limitations ever more closely around us.
Then we say we live on the edge.
But how defined that edge, that limit?
And why is our space so tiny?
photos: Theresa Kaindl
location: Königsberger See
I need to get off this hamster wheel.
So I made the decision to take on a new project this year. I want to have more time.
And less stress. And transcend my limitations.
I know, it’s a skipping record.
Every year the same story: I want to take more time blablabla.
But I really mean it this time.
I want to change my life.
This time for real.
It may just be my last chance.
I sit here, trying to put my thoughts in order.
I wish it was easier, but my thoughts flare up like short flashes.
Brief, intense emotions – bright and fleeting, blinding me for a split second, and then they are gone.
Little needles pricking may brain.
A mixture of fear and hope.
Recently I started to ask myself more and more questions.
Deep, profoung questions that cannot be answered. Only time will tell. These questions have no answers – yet.
I am sometimes afraid of the world, afraid of the future. I think that’s an accurate way to describe it. I wonder whether my parents felt the same. Or my grandparents, even.
Sure, every generation asks questions like ‘will I still be around in 50 years?’, ‘will I be able to keep up with the mortgage payments for my house, will I have financial stability?’, ‘what does the future hold for me?’, ‘will my children be safe and secure?’.
I’m not even asking those questions anymore. In fact, they seem small and insignificant compared to the ones that occupy my mind: ‘will humanity even continue to exist in a form that resembles what we know today?’, ‘what shape will future societies take?’. ‘what is going to happen with our planet?’.
Everything is moving, accelerating. Every day marks a quantum leap. But where to?
No one seems to be able to tell me.
There is only only logical consequence to this: we have to live more in the NOW. Who knows what the future brings. NOW – that is the time I actually have. I can use it freely. I cannot go back to yesterday, and I can’t borrow a chunk of tomorrow. I can decide to go to bed now, because it would be sensible, or I can choose to continue writing this text, that already seems so confused at this point that I’m seriously wondering whether I’ll even post it. Will I be ridiculed for it? ‘Has Masha finally lost it?’
But all I do is ask myself some questions, and by sharing them I pose them to you as well. That’s all.
What are you living for?
Do you really believe in a secure pension?
What makes you happy?
What would you like to have more time for?
Which is the right moment to do things that make us happy?
Is it really now? Or later? And at which point does ‘later’ turn into ‘too late’?
There is no answer to these questions, but there is a solution to the problem: I want to lead a more conscious life.
I want to really feel my feelings, and really live my life.
I am in love, and I want to experience this emotion with every fibre of my body, preserve it in every cell.
I am happy, because I am healthy, and my loved ones are too.
I am scared, because I have people and things in my life that are important to me.
I am alive. And I want to feel more alive.
So I do the things I am doing, and I enjoy being in love, vulnerable and alive.
It runs through my fingers, and leaves me with the question: how much of it do I have left? What am I going to do with it? Do I actually ‘have’ time, or is it rather something I need to take?
Maybe I will look for answers to my questions forever. Maybe I will never get any. Maybe this uncertainty is what eternity feels like. Who knows. Everything seems possible, somehow.
All I can hope for, is that the time I put into this article was worth it, and that it made you smile. Every moment is so precious, and I hope you are taking something with you for the time you gifted me by reading these lines.