“Next year I’m really going to up my game, give it my all!”
My boyfriend looks at me:
“OK… and what did you do this year then?”
“Well, the same?! But I feel I could have achieved so much more.!
“Sure, you could have used the hours you wasted on sleeping so much more efficiently, right?
Maybe you should listen to self-help audiobooks at night to pump more info into your brain.
You know, to make sure no time is lost.”
He sees on my face that I start considering it.
“I was joking, Masha.”

shoes: Chloe
necklace: Swarovski
The truth is, I have a long list of projects in my head that I’d love to start next year, a whole treasure trove of dreams I’d love to make a reality. The list is long, endlessly long. When am I going to have the time to do all that? How am I going to squeeze everything I want into the few hours available every day, especially when it comes to the projects that require continuous focus and attention? As these thoughts circle in my head, I realize the days will simply be too short for it all.
For a brief moment I actually consider cutting back on sleep, but that’s not really an option for me, I know that. I simply wanted too much. It happened again. And as every year, I can’t help but feel frustrated that I only achieved a fraction of what I wanted to get done. The feeling leads to a sense of growing internal pressure, a desire to make up for lost time, to catch up on projects I didn’t manage to devote enough attention to. What causes this pressure, though, where does it originate?
It’s a rhetorical question, to which I know the answer all too well: it come from right inside of me.

I am a true master of putting myself under too much pressure, and that means that there are few emotions I am as well acquainted with as a sense of failure.
When it comes to my work, I am not very loving with myself. I tend to focus on the mistakes I make, tend to consider my achievements insufficient, always see what I could have done better. And then there’s the self-ordained quest for constant optimization, the constant comparisons I draw between myself and others. Typically they are comparisons in which I come off badly. Whatever I do, it never seems to be quite enough. All too often I feel inadequate. I am an archetypical perfectionist, someone who is always sprinting without ever reaching any kind of finishing line. But what am I actually running towards? How am I ever going to reach any kind of destination if all I chase is the receding horizon?
I hear myself say “don’t compare yourself to others!” I dispense advice on how to love yourself more, but I am not really capable of heeding it myself. I say “don’t be so strict with yourself”, and “you’re achievements are wonderful!” I respect the work others do, marvel at what they get done. I never tell myself any of those things. I am my toughest critic, never satisfied with myself.
Why have I not written at least one book yet, headed a label, inspired others with public speeches? Why don’t I do voluntary charity work, why don’t I read more in my spare time (??), why don’t I exercise more and harder? Why does it look so easy when others juggle all this balls in life, and why are mine dropping all the time?
Why do I put myself under so much pressure? Because it’s all I know.
I would never expect as much from others as I do from myself, not even close. Why can’t I be a little more relaxed when I deal with myself? Wouldn’t I be happier, more content, if I wouldn’t always set the bar so damn high for myself?
Well, at least I understand that the relationship I have with myself is problematic. It’s actually improved a bit over the past couple of years. I have become much better at accepting what I can change, I am at peace with the fact that some things are simply out if my control. Above all, I seem to have learned that work is not everything in life, and I have found a healthier balance with more focus on my private life. The love I feel for my partner is stronger than my existential fear. Crucially, the love I feel for myself seems to be stronger at this point than the fear of failure. My job is no longer my sole source of identity.
I am also a partner, girlfriend and daughter.


Whirling in the self-optimization craze that governs the Insta-universe, I sometimes forget to put my wellbeing first.
What is good for ME?
What makes ME happy?
Above all: what’s the real purpose?
I go through my mental list again:
which of the items on there points to a wholesome future?
I cross some points off the list, add others, and I know that it’s still top crammed when I’m done. But I feel I made another step towards the balance I desire. Eventually, I add one last resolution:
I want to make fewer resolutions, and let things flow more often.


“I want to make fewer resolutions, and let things flow more often.”
Well said! By the way, the photoshoot seems really awesome.
Omg! I’m absolutely the same… haha
Running a tea business, acting, making films and and and… I always complain about how there are not enough hours in the day!
Funnily enough, my boyfriend is also the one to give me the reality check from time to time – he always teaches me not to be that hard on myself. That has been the biggest takeaway for me this last year.
Sometimes when I look at you and other successful bloggers, I feel like I should have achieved so much more… haha in the only thing that truly helps to keep my sanity is yoga and meditation :-)
I feel you! We need so much more time to be able to do it all, because we are not superheroes, we are actually human… ?
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