‘What’s going on here?’ I hear myself ask. My voice sounds frightened, a little croaky.
And then I hear the panicky tone in the voice of the stewardess as she asks us to please return to our seats again and to fasten our seat-belts. A paralyzing fear engulfed me.
I see panic in the eyes of the other passengers as well, and a fearful murmur fills the cabin. Nobody really knows what’s going on, but we all have our suspicions. An awful suspicion.
I always considered myself to be quite a calm person, but the panic has a real grip on me now. I can’t think straight, there’s only room for one thought in my head:
we’re about to crash.
The realization sucks all strength out of my body.I don’t want to face it, I don’t want to understand it. I don’t want this to happen.
I can deal with turbulences, but a crash? It can’t be. This stuff happens in movies, not in real life, right? It happens to the others, always the others. This can’t be happening to me, right?
I boarded so many planes in my life, took so many long distance flights, and now, on my way to New York to this great party, can this really be it?
I close my eyes for the briefest moment. My heart beats so fast it feels like it’s about to explode. I’m trembling all over.
My breath is shallow, and I am petrified. I have understood the situation now, and I am trying to accept it as reality. But accepting means that I am almost certainly about to die.
There is no way out. This is a one way trip into the abyss.
My surroundings register in slow-motion. My body is stiff, I have the sensation of observing myself from outside of my body. I think I’m crying, but I’m not even sure.
And now the panick washes over me with full force. I think I cried out loud, but I’m not certain of that either. I am so damn scared. One thought is on a frantic loop in my head:
I don’t want to die.
It is too late. Too late for everything, nothing makes sense anymore.
Every cell of my body lights up with pure desperation. How I regret boarding this damn plane. This may be the moment that I’m starting to be ready to really face the reality of the situation I’m in.
My sight is blurred.
Happy memories of my life bubble up in my consciousness, important and beautiful moments.
I think of people I had long forgotten, and remember moments that seemed so normal, so regular when I lived them, and realize that that’s what made them special to me. I see myself as a little girl. I actually live through these past moments again. Moments that have resurfaced from oblivion, memories that feel like they belong to a stranger, old as they are.
II pull forgotten situations into the light of my consciousness, and suddenly I realize what’s really important to me. When you’re looking death in the eye, there is no room for doubts anymore. A strange certainty fills me. I feel no regrets, all I have now is these moments that were of real importance to me.
I see my parents as young adults, my grandparents, still alive. I had completely forgotten their faces, now I see every pore and the light in their eyes. I see how much I resemble my mother.
My head shows me photographic stills that i forgot again in a heartbeat. Deep, deep inside me I find a happiness that I try to hold on to with all my might.
So it is true what they say.
In the moment of death, your whole life passes before your eyes. Your most important and most beautiful moments in a flash, and in the end you’re left with the faces of your loved ones. I see them in front of me, one next to the other.
My parents, my family, my friends. People that are important to me, an to whom I am important.
It is ok.
Letting go is no longer difficult at this point. What was I so afraid of all my life? All fear is gone now.
I think this is what people mean when they talk of peace. I have found peace in myself. It was always there. It never moved from my center, I just lost myself in the course of life. Now, as all is about ti end, I found it again. I no longer fight my destiny.
Mum, dad – I love you. Please don’t be too sad.
I will always be with you.
I close my eyes.
And I wake up.
Did some of you ask yourselves what the heck this weird text was all about, like WTF?
Well, that’s how I imagine you, dear readers. You see, today’s post is a little different from the others. For the first time in the history of this blog I publish a little piece of writing, kind of a short story, if you will.
Well, why not?
I have been dreaming about writing a book for a long time, and I intend to do it in this life, not the next. Why not start with a little text, to see if I even have it in me? It’s not completely made up, I should add.
The inspiration for this little text came from images I had in my mind. I tried to live through that situatioin as well as I could, to experience the scenario, and in the process to tap into related emotions and experiences I have. The truth is that I dug into my memories and tried to reconstruct a situation I once lived through. Do you have a terrible moment in your lives that almost feels like it belongs to a stranger because you suppressed it so completely?
That’s how I felt writing these lines. I relived the situation, and it took quite an emotional toll on me to write this down.
The truth is, I have stared into the abyss of death twice in my life, really believing there is no way out for me. I felt my time had run out. This text is, in other words, an intimate interpretation of my memories and fears, that I would not like to discuss further. I hope reading this didn’t make you all too sad. Let me tell you, when I opened my eyes I woke up to life after the last second.
I try to make the best of it ever since.