„Find what you love and let it kill you.“
Iam watching you die.
A friend I used to have said that to me once, and I have never forgotten that sentence. It’s a drastic phrase, and I was going through a drastic time. I didn’t give a damn about anything, least of all my life. All that mattered was the moment, the ‘now’ – that was all I felt I had left. I wanted to feel alive and at the same time I didn’t want to feel anything anymore.
So, it wasn’t the most glorious moment of my life. But it was important. I learned about the abyss within myself, learned remember the past but to head for the future. And I found out about the temptation of excess – and how to resist it.
My life proceeded to take a more stable course thereafter, and in time I got it all together. But this phase did not pass without consequences. My body still grappled with the aftermath of it all, and even today I face panic attacks from time to time. That said, I got off lightly.
I was not going to die. Not yet.
From today’s perspective I understand what my friend was telling me. She must have felt so helpless, forced to witness how I self-destructed one step at a time.
She must have felt like I felt today.
I caught the exit just in time, but you are still speeding down the same old route. Full throttle, faster and faster, and it get’s worse and worse. You’re not listening to anyone, you are not open to any help from the outside at all. ‘I have my life under control’, you say, and ‘don’t worry about me’.
But I do worry. What was a phase in my life seems to have become a permanent reality in yours. You ache to feel alive, but you’re slowly killing yourself. You don’t want to hear it when I tell you. Not today, not tomorrow.
I see you accelerating even more, and I wonder how many tomorrow’s you have left on your way?
The worst thing is having to accept that it is your life.
Everyone makes their own decisions, and you don’t choose life.
What chance does common sense stand?
I’m not sure if it’s mainly a big city phenomenon. Are there places where it’s different? Is Berlin more of a trap in which to lose oneself than other towns? No matter how fucked up you are, in Berlin you will find a crowd of equals and places in which to disintegrate, and that’s the danger. Intoxication is normality here. In Berlin you don’t have to wait for the weekend to consume drugs openly, freely. For many, they are a normal part of every-day routine.
I remember this guy that almost kicked the bucket next to me in the club. He must have taken something that he got from some stranger. He was completely plastered. Instead of bringing him water, someone called: ‘does anyone have a line for this fella so he gets his act together?’
Welcome to Berlin.
To paraphrase an old adage: opportunity makes addicts. The boundless acceptance of drugs has lowered the entry bar. Drugs are life-style commodities. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for openness in that respect. Let everyone do and take what they want. But I see you balancing on the edge now, and how do I keep you from falling forever into the abyss?
I am so scared for you, don’t you understand that?
I am watching you die.
I feel helpless, knowing that I have already lost. I lost you the moment I hit the brakes and watched you take over and accelerating on the highway of excess. You have new friends now, and all kinds of problems mixed into one toxic cocktail. Me – I am just a square girl, fighting a losign battle. And I am fearing the worst.
How I wish you’d take the next exit, slow down, stop.
I wish you’d reflect on your life, and maybe even find the will to live in you.
Maybe you would see how close you were to losing it.
And maybe… maybe I will see you live.